This weekend, I attempted to “have fun” in the great outdoors by camping at Balsam Lake Provincial Park. I thought this would be a great time to work on turning my legs from Elmer’s Glue into Pallid Math Teacher. For a while, it looked as though I was browning up nicely. At the very least, I was watching this dog taking immense pleasure in sniffing other dogs’ butts, which was better than most summer cable programs.
However, in a vain attempt to avoid terrifying small children and men unaccustomed to viewing the bodies of post-pubescent females in their natural state, I packed a shaving razor in my bag to help control my terrifyingly prickly legs. Much like a Chia pet, my hair grows surprisingly fast under careful neglect. Also like a Chia pet, I inherited it from my grandmother.
While reaching into my bag to pick up the razor this morning, I sliced off the entire tip of my finger. I’m talking about a dime-sized chunk of my flesh that is now lurking somewhere within the boundaries of our campsite, probably luring predatory bears with a thirst for human blood.
Oh, and that tan I was working on? Most of my limbs are an inoffensive shade of Martha Stewart beige, except for a garish, attention-seeking sunburn on my boobs: cherry red with two stark white handprints. You’re not getting a picture of that, boys. ;) Apparently I am only capable of applying sunscreen on in a lazy, haphazard fashion and hoping that the cancer is tricked into thinking I’m a responsible adult. It actually looks like I gave myself a healthy grope, slapped myself on the back, and said, “Run along, girl! Lie face up, why doncha!” I’m hoping that my sunscreen-application technique doesn’t translate into spheres of hygiene such as flossing or wiping my butt.
To counteract this slightly stressful day, I’m unwinding to the deliciously funky music of Melbourne ten-piece The Cactus Channel. Their latest single Wooden Boy was just released and the full album drops September 2nd on HopeStreet Recordings.
I’m also smitten with their debut LP, Haptics (2012). My favourites are The Colour of Don Don, Dirty D’s Thang, and Jungle Run.
I’d be crossing my fingers for a speedy recovery, but it only makes the blood spurt out more.