Darwin Deez, who taught you biology?

Nobody did. I taught myself. I was my best student.

MP3: DNADarwin Deez

Somewhere in New York, a grade nine biology teacher is sobbing into his inadequate grading rubrics.

You’d think that with a name like Darwin Deez, the band would know a little bit more about the natural world. But after listening to DNA, the band’s single from their brand new self-titled album, it’s pretty clear that they didn’t retain a whole lot from Bio 101.

Using The Scientific Method, I have come up with a few possible hypotheses:

1.) The science department’s budget was vicious slashed to increase funding for new gym mats.

2.) Darwin was flipping through brochures for online degree programs in Sciencetific Technologism while penning lyrics.

3.) Creationism became a huge hit after a particularly stimulating PTA meeting, and words like “DNA”, “molecules”, and “evolution” became banned – and therefore “cool”, like Ray Bans™.

Anyone with a fundamental grasp of basic biology should be rolling their eyes at these lyrical gems:

“And when we talk it’s not the same but i already lost the gene for feeling pain”

“The gene for feeling pain” is formally known as the DREAM gene and was first discovered by researchers at The University of Toronto in 2002. It also happens to be a key regulator of learning and memory. Without the DREAM gene, murine subjects (that’s a fancy word for mice) experience a decrease in pain sensitivity and an increase in learning capacity.

Long story short? Having lost the gene for feeling pain, Darwin Deez should have quickly learned how to craft better lyrics.

And what about this:

    “But when I call you are never home and I am down to six or seven chromosomes”

Sure, karyotypic anomalies are usually inherited (think Trisomy 21, Klinefelter’s Syndrome, or Triple X Syndrome), but they can also be created de novo during a process known as Mosaicism. However, I’m somewhat skeptical of the claim that one’s chromosomal count could decrease by being put through to Voicemail. Would definitely need to conduct a double-blind study just to be sure, though.

    “But you don’t care or understand how it feels to be a single double strand”

I’m assuming he’s referring to chromatids here, which are the single halves of duplicated chromosomes. I’m pretty sure they can’t feel, since this is what they’re made of:

    “All these molecules don’t make me who I am, you did.”

This is a blatant lie. If humans were actually made up of everything around them, I would be 40% cotton and 20% ham sandwich.

The song is catchy, I’ll give it that. But catchy melodies do not wordsmithery make (Lovelace; paraphrased to suit my needs). Now, I implore thee – go out and get yourself the new Darwin Deez album Darwin Deez (May 23rd, 2011) so that the band can afford to buy themselves a textbook.

5 thoughts on “Darwin Deez, who taught you biology?

  1. Hypothesis the fourth: The “Deez” refers to the grade average they would have received had they aggregated their raw Biology 101 marks.

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