Review: Alexander’s A Million Years Music Video

From the dirty hippie lunatic that brought you Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, frontman Alex Ebert presents his new project, Alexander. With makeup effects by William Lemon III, who also disguised Lady Gaga as a skeleton for Born This Way, in this video, Alexander’s face gets manscaped. Literally.

Remember manscaping? That wickedly painful thing that Steve Carell did just to get laid in The 40 Year Old Virgin? Well, now it has a whole new meaning.

Knowing how infrequently hippies brush their hair and teeth, I bet his mouth is a tepid pond in real life too.

    The video starts off with Alex flailing down a sand dune at dusk. He doesn’t seem to mind. I wouldn’t either if I bore a striking resemblance to a filthier version of Ryan Gosling and could therefore get laid anytime I wanted.

    Then, Alex finds a hipster hat rolling around and puts it on, drawing instant comparisons to Blossom.

    Then, we’re on top of Hillside Alexander, watching two little kids stroll hand-in-hand, looking at Alex’s facial scenary.

    His eye is always watching.

    I hate when films idealize young love by forcing two kids into miniature vintage costumes and tell them to whisper sweet nothings into each others’ ears. In reality, they’d probably be flinging mud pies on his cheeks, crying in his cavernous nostril, or using his eyeball as a trampoline. And the only love they’d be likely to profess would be for cookies or sandwiches.

    Twoo Luv

    Days pass. Seasons change. Alex’s mouth sings from what could be presumed to be the worst sand trap you could ever fall in.

    Once you fall in, you never come back. Mentally.

    Then, Alex begins to dance with himself in the desert, wearing a white tunic dress and no shame.

    Riddle me this, Alex: if you’ve finally found your girl after a million years, why aren’t you dancing with her??

    "Baby, you're the prettiest girl in the desert! Did you gain weight? Because normally I don't have to extend my arms this far just to hold onto you."

    The rest of the video is more of the same. Alex sees himself as a constellation, which is a subtle nod to the fact that he probably sees himself as the centre of the universe.

    When the video pans out, you realize that you’ve been on Planet Alex the whole time, and there’s no escape, ever. Good luck.

    But just when you think it’s over, you’re wrong. There’s an extra minute of Alex doing this while a completely different song plays:

    Why not just write a separate song? No? Okay.

    Don’t get me wrong; I enjoyed this video. For one thing, it gave me a lot to write about. And it was radically unique, which is hard to come by – most musicians just stick with the “look-at-my-band-playing-in-a-quirky-location!” formula. Kudos to Alex for being man enough to wear makeup and trees on his face. Six months from now, my money’s on Urban Outfitters selling overpriced diorama makeup kits in their Novelty Home Accessories section.

    I was into manscaping way before that hipster was.

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